Hardened hearts….

It’s been a while friends and as always, this momma has been in over her head…but GOD…

I’ve been stirred up to write this post because I’ve been finding it hard to control my flesh of late. Being a Christian is not easy. At. All. And I’m finding that being in very close proximity to people challenges me immensely. I’m finding that I’m surrounded by non believers and in all honesty, I’m tired of having to be the one who is the bigger person and turns the other cheek. All. Of. The. Time.

In the six years I’ve been saved, turning the other cheek is all I seem to do, I’m sure God sees differently and I know by turning my cheek, God is glorified, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling completely down trodden. What makes it worse is that those who I extend grace to, never seem to acknowledge the grace I’ve extended and I’m always left feeling as though I’ve not done enough. I know I shouldn’t be moved by what I see and I know God is probably working in ways I could hardly even imagine because He is God, but I’m TIRED!!!

Pre salvation, I spoke my mind. A lot. If something or somebody was upsetting me, in the main, I spoke up and either a disagreement of some sort would ensue or I was seen as a bully and a big mouth. Now, I find myself biting my (proverbial) tongue until it bleeds, just so as not to cause disharmony and unease. I run to Christ on these occasions and He replaces my rising discontentment with His peace, but when you find yourself in a cycle of continuous suppression of your displeasure, bitterness begins to rise. When you feel as though your constantly being taken advantage of your spirit begins to feel defeated.

That’s where I am now. I feel like a powerless, two faced Christian and I can’t bear it. There is a close circle of Christian friends and one or two non Christian friends who I vent to when the pressure becomes too much, but even that feels wrong. I find myself repenting after every ill thought vacates my mind through my mouth and enters the atmosphere….

Lord help me with this struggle. Help me to see things as You see them. Give me joy in my heart. Renew my mind Jesus. I need You.

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The perfectness of God

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Five years.

That’s how long I’ve been single. I didn’t like it at first. It made me feel unattractive, unwanted, unloved. Since the age of 18 my worth had been wrapped up in my relationship status, yet I still didn’t know who I truly was.

For years I stumbled from one situation to another, papering over deep chasms of worthlessness with counterfeit love. How could I expect to receive the love God intended for me when I did not know The One who created it?

My singleness was made all the more crushing this time around because three precious children were now having to live through the consequences of my past ignorance….

BUT GOD…..

Despite the weeks, months and years filled with pain, regret and guilt I can now see how the Lord uses our deepest hurt to produce our greatest healing. I’m so glad He has kept me deeply hidden within Him. For five whole years there has been no man in my life, not a hint. No dates, (well there were three, two of which were with the same person) but nothing of any meaning. Three dates in five whole years? It’s not even worth mentioning, but you know I like to be transparent round here…lol

There have been times I’ve been desperate for the companionship and camaraderie of a relationship. The shared jokes, shared secrets, shared lives, but then God lovingly reminded me that I was not ready. There was much work to be done. I needed to be made whole from the inside out. For my children’s sake as well as my own. I was by no means ready. My children needed their mother and I needed them and together we needed and forever will need Jesus. THE ONE who makes everything perfect in its time. Looking back over the years, I can clearly see that I was definitely not the person God required me to be; that is…..UNTIL NOW!! Don’t get me wrong, there is still work to do, there will always be work to do, but I’m not the person I once was. That woman wasn’t ready at all. But this one is….

Yes you heard me. I truly believe I am prepared for what God now has in store for me. Years ago I thought I had it somewhat together, but God knew. He always knows. I didn’t want to admit it, but deep, deep, waaaayy deep down I was still hoping to be reconciled with my children’s father. I hated myself for it, but my motives for wanting to be in a relationship was to make my ex jealous, shake him up and make him realise he couldn’t bear to see me or his children with someone else. There I said it. I’m not proud of it, but that’s what a hurting heart does. Thank God for His protection and healing, because that’s not my heart condition anymore. Hallelujah!!!

The Lord can rest assured that the man of God He has prepared for me will not be used as a pawn. I have been set free from my past and all the hurt that taunted and broke me. Jehovah Rapha in all of His glorious perfection, has yet again demonstrated that His way is and always will be PERFECT. Nothing is impossible with Him. Not. One. Thing. All Glory to His name.

Practising gratefulness

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It’s been a while for a number of reasons….

Life….

So busy, so tired, so distracted…..BUT GOD….

He really never gives up on me, even when I want to give up on myself. I’m so grateful for who He is. He continues to lavish His love upon me in such a way that requires me to be still and truly focus on all that He has done and is doing in my life.

It’s so easy to look at the big picture and say, well God I don’t have this yet, or this, or this and hey, you’ve clearly forgotten this….but when I allow Him to take me deeper into who He is, I am reminded that I have life in Him, I have health, I have my sanity, I can see, hear, speak and my three children can do the same. I can run, skip and jump, I can shout out a praise to my King and Saviour, Sweet Jesus!!

I can provide for my children, I can drive, I can walk, I can swim, I can rest!! To God be the GLORY!!!

I’m currently on summer break and I’ve officially completed my first year as a qualified teacher!! God is FAITHFUL!!

Next year is a milestone birthday, (the amazing 4-0) and again, it is so easy to buy into the lie that I’m getting old, years have been wasted, I’m not where I should be…LIES….I’m precisely where God wants me to be, in His arms, looking to Him, resting in Him, glorifying Him and teaching my three precious children how to do the same. That is the greatest gift I can give to them, and with Jesus by my side it shall be done.

I’m so grateful. Thank You Lord!

S.E.V.E.N

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My son is SEVEN. My. Youngest. Child. Is. SEVEN. *shakes head in disbelief*

Seven whole years have passed since I gave birth to this sweet, handsome, little boy. Over the years he has grown into such an intelligent and inquisitive individual. He loves playing football and taking part in athletics, he loves to read and recite his time tables, (when reminded of their equal importance to sport…lol) He is such a joy.

Thank You Jesus for my young prince. He is such a blessing to my life, just like my precious daughters. Thank You God for choosing me to mother them. Thank You for giving me a heart that yearns for You, so that I am able to show them what loving You looks like, no matter how imperfect. Thank You Lord, a million times thank You!!

Happy Birthday sweet Elijah!! My little prophet! I love you, but Jesus loves you more!!

An Incomparable life…

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I’m learning to become satisfied with what God has given me.

Since my salvation almost 6 years ago, I feel like I’ve been waiting for a defining moment where God is going to suddenly flick a switch and BAM!! My whole life will be ‘together’…..

…No more singleness, no more having to rely on my parents or family for their companionship and emotional support, no more having to navigate feelings of inadequacy and despair when the mantle of single parenting becomes too heavy to uphold…no more important life decisions to make on my own….

The Lord is revealing to me that the life I am living right now is the one He has called me to live. I must make the most of it and make it count. Singleness may seem hard, but being in a relationship or married is just as hard. No season or situation is without its test. If Jesus Christ is your Lord and personal Saviour, He will never leave you, nor forsake you, so whatever walk of life you find yourself in, high on the mountain top or deep in the valley, He will be there, calling you, shaping you, ushering You into His life giving presence. Hallelujah!!

My life and yours can never be compared to anyone else’s. As a Christian I can see where I have been buying into the lie of what a ‘Christian life’ should ‘look like’. Like many of us, I am forever looking at the ‘happily’ courting and the ‘happily’ marrieds, gazing wistfully at those that travel ‘every week’, have glittering careers, magnificent houses, angelic babies, cute children, the healthiest diets, the most awesome fitness regimes, devotional times, ministries…it’s endless…..

BUT GOD!!

He whispers that I should not be looking at them but at HIM. What He has done in their life He does not want to replicate in mine. He is the God of new things. There is no limit to His power.

“Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”

Isaiah 43:19

I can not expect my life to follow the pattern of others I am not them. My life and yours are incomparable to anybody else’s. Just because something happened for them, be it good or bad, by no means does this suggest it will happen for me or for you and why should it? I am my own unique person, you are too. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by The One who holds our lives in His hands.

As I get older, I do sometimes mourn the lack of godly love and intimacy that comes from a God ordained covenant. Most of my thirties have been spent battling to undo all the bondage that had entangled me from years of doing things without God. I know this is a process and God’s timing is perfect, but it still gets hard, painful and lonely.

Then God reminds me, the godly love and intimacy I crave can be found in Him. He has been pouring out His love upon me, long before I ever loved Him back. This is what Christ’s love looks like. So as I strive to look more like Him, I must continue to fight the good fight of faith no matter the cost.

Thirty- FINE

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Praise God for another birthday!!!

Praise God for my children, my family and my health…

Praise God for my career and a roof over my head…

Praise God that he’s given me a song in my heart and joy in my soul….

Praise God for His loving kindness and His mercy!!

Praise God for Jesus!

Praise God for Thirty-Fine!! The year of my BREAKTHROUGH!!!

Thank You Jesus!

The trouble with wallowing….

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This little beauty of mine turned 9 over a week ago and I completely forgot to post about it…

…..why?

….because I was wallowing in a sea of discontentment so deep that I had become blind to the very blessings right in front of me….my children, my family, my salvation….

Lord forgive me and thank You.

Thank You for your patience when life’s issues overwhelm and my eyes are turned from You, thank You for Your love, grace and mercy when the road seems long and unforgiving, thank You for allowing me to be a light, no matter how small, in the dark. Thank You for my children and especially my 9 year old daughter who I forgot to celebrate on her special day because I allowed a spirit of despair to temporarily take hold, but thank You Lord for Your mercies that are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness!!

“Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:16-18‬ ‭

The time conundrum

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Guuuyyyyssss…..In four days time I’m 39. How did this happen? How? I remember when I was 7, 14, 17, 21, 25, 28….30, 33….how have all these years passed me by?

Don’t get me wrong, I thank GOD that He has spared my life for this long, but it’s so hard for me to fathom how on the one hand, time flies, yet on the other, when you are waiting for things to happen, like being able to afford that dream car, for the healing to fully manifest, get that promotion or pay rise, or, for your Adam to finally wake up and find you (LOL)…..time, of course never flies but drags its sweet heels…. life is so funny and I’ll never fully understand it no matter how hard I try or how old I get….

So as my years advance and the grey hairs begin to appear *sigh* I will choose to keep my eyes fixed on the one who saved my soul as it’s because of Him that when I take my final breath on this earth my eternity will be secure in and with Him. Hallelujah!

When Jesus says it’s time…

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God never ceases to blow my whole mind….I’m serious. His ways are unfathomable and I remain in complete awe of Him.

For the past few weeks and months I’ve been feeling unsettled about a whole host of things. If you have read my last few blog posts, you’ll see I’ve been battling hard to find joy in the midst of my struggles…BUT GOD!!

Lately, I’ve been stirred up to meet my exes partner. Now, as all who are familiar with my blog and my story will know, my ex, who also happens to be the father of my three children, moved on quite quickly after we split almost 5 years ago. He and his girlfriend went on to have a daughter who is nearly 4 and recently welcomed another daughter a few months ago. My children see their Dad several times a week and sleep over most weekends. This of course means they have been around my exes partner a lot. A. Whole. Lot. What was starting to irk me was that in 5 years I’d never properly met her or had a conversation with her and yet here she is playing a significant part in raising/looking after my children on a weekly basis. I was starting to get quite angry about it. Not at her, but the situation and my lack of power to do anything about it…

Admittedly I don’t think I was ready to meet her, because there was still a lot I was dealing with inside myself. I believe God has been doing a mighty work inside my heart to heal me, strengthen me and help me to realise that in Him, I am more than enough and so yesterday, when out of the blue the Lord opened the door for me to meet this lady, I walked right through it. And PRAISE GOD it was fine.

I had gone to collect my children from their Dad’s as I often do, but I always wait in the car and he brings them down. Yesterday was different. Despite telling my ex I’d be there at 7:30pm, when I arrived he wasn’t picking up his phone or responding to my text message so for the first time, in 5 years, I got out of my car and walked to their front door. He’d just got out of the bath and my son was about to get out. He said they’d be 5 minutes and closed the door on me. My eldest opened it again. I could see Leah (not her real name) sitting in the chair with her newborn baby and I called out ‘Hello’, she replied and came to the front door with the baby who was fast asleep in her arms and looks exactly like my ex. I told her so and she agreed. She invited me in and told me to excuse the mess I told her, ‘Pleeeease! I have three. I know the struggle.’ Her friend was sitting down in the living room too. It was just the slightest bit awkward but not horrible by any means. She seems to be a really nice woman and when I asked if my children are well behaved she said yes, and when I asked if she’s sure, she assured me that she’s been around naughty children and mine aren’t…phew…I must be doing something right. Thank You Jesus.

I met their eldest daughter the day before when my ex bought her along to pick our son up from school. She is a complete cutie. I had a brief conversation with her and my heart has warmed to her immediately, same with Leah. There is no anger or animosity, no jealousy or ill will. Just peace and love. That’s Jesus. I’m excited about what the future holds. I’d like to have more opportunities to speak with Leah and for the children to spend more time together they all share the same father after all.

Like I said friends, I’m in awe at the work of God. A situation which caused me one of the greatest hurts in my life is now beginning to bear the fruit of joy, peace and love.

Lord you knew how much I wanted and needed this meeting to happen and only you could have orchestrated this in such a timely and peaceable manner. There is still a long way to go, but I trust You to unfold the path in which I should follow. I’m excited by You Lord. Your way truly is perfection.