The problem with cowardice 

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Dear Lord,

I really don’t know where to start. You have been so very good to me and yet so often, I feel as though I am failing you.

I don’t defend Your name as I should. I don’t speak against what is not of You. I feel like a coward. 

Almost daily, I hear your name called out in vain. My soul cries out in distress and yet my mouth says nothing to rebuke the mouth from where the blasphemy was spoken. 

Today, a Muslim work colleague used my classroom, to bow down and pray to a god I don’t believe in. As I sat there marking books, she prayed. It lasted mere minutes. My spirit was deeply troubled yet my mouth uttered not one word in challenge. I am at a loss for what to do. 

I am a coward. 

I am scared because I don’t want to shun or alienate – ( I did that to my childrens father and he has run so far away from Jesus, I wonder if he’ll ever turn back) and yet I can not stand by and let my God be completely disrespected and my spirit grieved in this way. My God deserves more. 

Lord help me to be bold and to speak Your truth in love. Empower and protect me Lord. You are my portion forever.

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When Jesus is your all

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It’s so easy to say that Jesus is your everything, your all in all. If I can be honest with you, it’s not everyday I behave as though Jesus is my everything. I constantly have to battle to put Him on the throne of my heart. Often I can get distracted by other things, like talking to people about my problems rather than talking to God, allowing anger and irritation to quench my spirit, so I begin operating in my flesh and things get said and done which cause embarrassment, shame and provide absolutely no glory to my Lord and saviour. Thank God for repentance. His grace and mercy push me to identify my weaknesses and strive to change to become more like Him. 

Thank God that He never gives up on me, even when I’m ‘relaxing’ by scrolling through my phone for the millionth time or playing another addictive level of a game on..yes you guessed…my phone. I have to battle to make time for praying, reading my bible, spending time with my children, because my selfish heart yearns for quiet time to do mindless things like scrolling through my phone; looking at and reading about the lives and times of others.

Thank God, that He is God!! He is so omniscient that he will put me into situations that force me to call upon Him and forsake all others! Hallelujah!! Take for instance my recent trip to Barbados with my children. I’d planned and booked it last October and knew full well I’d have to fly out on my own with them. At the time the thought was exciting, but as the days drew nearer I began to grow fearful. I’m not the best flyer, so this coupled with the fact that I was taking my three young children on my own thousands of miles away began to fill me with the deepest dread. I had so many sleepless nights thinking about how I was going to conquer this mountain, thinking about what if I lost one of my children, what if the plane crashed… the negativity rushed in like a flood. But thanks be to Jesus Christ, my husband. I began to cast my cares and my troubles on Him. Every piece of anxiety I shared with Him, I spoke it out loud in prayer and asked Him to strengthen me in my weak places. His perfect love casts out fear and I asked for Him to pour out His spirit of love, power and mental stability to protect me from the attacks of the adversary!! My God is so faithful and so true that He emboldened me to walk a path I in no way felt equipped to walk. It was not easy and even the night before the flight I was plagued with thoughts to cancel the whole trip, my children were playing up badly and again I doubted how I would cope. I broke down and cried like a baby. This was too much. I couldn’t do it. Praise God for His saints, my on fire for Jesus family members who prayed me through the darkness. Praise God for reminding me of how far I’ve come. Friends, three years ago I was a mess. I couldn’t leave the house, the shortest journeys filled me with the most dread. My heartache and pain had manifested itself so deeply within my soul that my body began to attack me. Nightly heart palpitations that had me struggling for breath and kept me awake all night, they made me shake all over, lose a ridiculous amount of weight and believe death was on my doorstep. BUT GOD!!! He is my deliverer, my restorer, my way maker. He has strengthened me to do impossible things because WITH HIM ALL THINGS SHALL BE POSSIBLE!! Glory to God!! 

I went from being totally broken, feeling completely hopeless and fearing the worst to being restored and having faith that God is working out ALL THINGS for my good.

What Jesus has done and is doing through me is a miracle. I love Him. His patience with me blows my mind. My children and I went to Barbados for three whole weeks, our family came out a week later and joined us and we all had theeee best time, because God is and ALWAYS will be with us and for us. As He provides me with yet another testimony of His awesome power, I can do nothing but proclaim His magnifence. He is so faithful!  Always guiding, encouraging, manifesting, delivering. Wow God! I’m so excited by You!!

Qualified 

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Won’t He do it!!?

I’m a…FULLY. QUALIFIED. TEACHER friends!! PRAISE HIM!!

He has made beauty from my ashes. For His glory. What a mighty God we serve.

I am awestruck when I think of how God has completely transformed my life in the past five years. From a totally broken and bereft single mother, to a fully complete in Christ, restored, rejuvenated and renewed child of the Most High God. Come on somebody……!!!

…When my back was against the wall and I felt used up, worn out and good for nothing, my God called me His beloved. He took my spirit of heaviness and bestowed upon me a glorious garment of PRAISE!!! *sobs with joy*

Hallelujah!! Who but Jesus?

… to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
Isaiah 61:3

S.I.X

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Two weeks ago today, my precious boy turned six!! SIX!!! My youngest child is SIX….how did this happen? *weeps*

I’ve been so busy completing my teacher training, posting this blog got forgotten….hangs head in shame.

Despite the sadness of the year’s flying by, I thank God for my gifts. My son is a miracle from heaven. Gentle, considerate, handsome, intelligent and funny, he is everything a Mother could ever wish for and more. I love this little boy so much.

I pray that the good Lord will forever guide and protect this precious son of mine and that He will grow to have a powerful relationship with King Jesus. Let Your will be done sweet saviour. Hallelujah!!

When God gives you the power to pray

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The Lord has been dealing with me in regards to my prayer life. 
Prayer is powerful but so often we find ourselves too distracted by the world to be able to commit to it wholeheartedly. I am that person. 
My prayers often feel ineffective and added to that, when I don’t feel the Lord has answered my prayers as quickly as I’d like or in the way I’d hoped I get frustrated and give up seeking God in prayer in the fervent way I’m supposed to…

Can you see the pattern? My prayer life was connected to my feelings. How dangerous.

The word says pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17) and I was ceasing to pray because of my ever changing feelings and the enemy was having a field day…the less I prayed the more I beat myself up for not praying and the worse I’d feel…what a messy cycle of hopelessness and confusion….

As a Christian I can not be governed by my sinful nature and my feelings form part of that. Of course my flesh battles to do that which pleases God, this is what spiritual warfare is about. The adversary of our souls plagues us with feelings of ineffectiveness, disillusionment and pride and distracts us with disruptive thoughts, lies and busyness, anything to dull our impact for Christ. This can not be friends.

Praise be to God, that in all His tender, loving, grace and mercy, He has really sought out to speak to my soul and make me hunger for a powerful prayer life. What changed my lukewarm attitude was a testimony I heard at church. An evangelist in his late sixties was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer and given only months to live. The type of cancer he had was known to have few survivors once past the age of 65. The prognosis was extremely poor and yet people prayed. His wife prayed, his family prayed, the body of Christ prayed and his situation changed. Hallelujah!! 

The chemotherapy that was supposed to make him so sick and weak as the cancer was treated, had no such impact. He was able to exercise daily and eat to his hearts content. Why? Because people prayed. His wife specifically prayed that his experience would be atypical, that God would move so powerfully in his circumstances that people would be confounded. GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS FAM!!And the prayers of a righteous man availeth much (James 5:16). Glory!! 

After treatments he should have been too weak and disorientated to drive and yet he drove the 2 hour journey to the hospital and the two hour journey back, the doctors were dumbfounded, patients who had received the same treatment struggled to walk to their car, let only drive it. Why was this man of God’s testimony so different? Because people PRAYED saints. I could go on about the amazing miracles that took place in this man’s life, but I think you get my point. PRAYER IS POWERFUL!!

Armed with this new found zeal for prayer, I have begun to hold nightly prayer meetings with my children before bed. Bedtime can be a chaotic period in my household. Hyper children not wanting to go to sleep or brush their teeth, children arguing and not listening; me, exhausted, angry and shouting. I’d had enough, so on the Monday after attending the church service I spoke about, whilst in bed trying to unwind, yet hearing the familiar squabbling of my children in their room, the Lord spoke to me and instructed me to get up and change the atmosphere in that room by speaking peace and love, singing, worshipping and praying to Jesus about our day and what we were thankful for, what we require help with, how He wants to use us to glorify Him. The change has been supernatural people!! Hallelujah!!

Bedtime has become a peaceful experience as we cast our hurts, frustrations and difficulties upon Jesus and pray for His power to flow freely in our lives. My five year old son, shares stories about what he has learnt in children’s church and the Lord uses him to inject little nuggets of wisdom to guide our prayer points. His most recent offering was that God does not look at our outward appearance but at our hearts. 

Wow I’m amazed at your providence Lord! 

My middle child is my strong willed pocket, rocket who has often pushed me to the brink of despair because of her sometimes rebellious attitude. Thankfully the Lord has worked a miracle in this area too and our prayer meetings have given her an outlet to share with the Lord her struggles and issues, she is so much more calmer and focused on God and behaving in ways that will please Him. Praise God. 

My eldest daughter is the most reserved, but as she watches and listens intently to the words that are spoken in prayer and the songs sung in worship I know the Lord is doing a mighty work in her heart as she will often surprise me when I find a prayer she has written lying around the house or she will say something that will assure me that Christ is at work in her life.

I’m so glad the Lord has seen fit to deal with me in this important area of Kingdom living. By teaching my children the importance of prayer at a young age I pray the harvest will be reaped throughout their lifetime. When I pray with them I pray out loud. I demonstrate to them that I am an imperfect person in need of a perfect saviour. I pray that my transparency speaks to their hearts and draws them into a close personal relationship with Jesus Christ. 
Have your way my Lord.

E.I.G.H.T

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One whole month ago, (to the day), my second born child turned EIGHT! *sobs*

Life has been so busy, I haven’t had time, I mean I didn’t make the time to post about this beautiful little girl’s special occasion. This makes me sad. *Must do better*.

Needless to say with each year that passes, my children are growing evermore independent. My babies are no longer babies and it is exciting and heart wrenching all at once.

I thank God for my three little blessings and on this occasion I take the time to focus on little Miss Amber, my super intelligent, strong willed and loving ambassador for Jesus. May your life bring Him glory now and in the many, many, many years to come.

Mummy loves you sweet girl x

The brutal side of singleness…

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Yesterday I was asked if I was a lesbian. Yes you’ve read those words correctly. I still think I’m a bit offended, but then I know that when you’re walking the path of righteousness these attacks will come. I don’t believe the person saying it meant me any harm, but I still find myself having to rebuke these labels in the name of Jesus. 

You see, this individual, who happens to be male, sees me walking boldly in my single hood. I’m not pulling my hair out over why I don’t have a man, I’m not concerned with that anymore. My singleness doesn’t overwhelm me like it used to, it doesn’t have the power to influence my moods and rob me of my joy, because I am at peace in CHRIST JESUS!!! 

Now to the world this notion is unbelievable. So often these days I’m seeing and reading about single women who are so desperate to be in a relationship that they continue to hook up with any man that shows an interest, only to be left devastated when said man, after getting what he wants, usually sex and a few dates, wanders off into the world never to be seen or heard of again. Then the women are left pondering what is wrong with them, why are guys such let downs, where did they go wrong….you went wrong when you put your worth in being in a relationship at any cost, over being whole, healed and satisfied on your own….. 

It has been such a hard lesson for me to learn, but I’m so glad that God has kept me deeply hidden within Him. I have not had to do deal with male attention of any sort. This fact alone could give the enemy enough ammunition to destroy me if my hope was placed in the values of this world. The enemy could easily fill my head with thoughts that I’m unattractive, undesirable, unworthy, but I choose to listen to Christ and He tells me I am blessed and highly favoured, fearfully and wonderfully made, loved, cherished, forgiven and redeemed. HALLELUJAH!!

The more I walk in my singleness and the more Jesus makes me whole, the more I see the world seeking to steal what God has placed within me. This is a battle, but I’m so thankful that the Lord continues to hold me close to Himself and I continue to chase after Him. People may try to label me or see me as peculiar because I follow the principles of my GOD, but I do not care about what they think. In my ignorance, I followed the ways of the world and all I was repaid with was fear, anxiety, depression, darkness and death. Following Christ and obeying His plans for my life has given me a freedom I never knew was possible. 

Here I stand, single and celibate for 5 years and everyday He continues to pour into me His peace, His wholeness , His healing. Because of Jesus I do not fear the future, instead I am expectant. Thank You King Yahweh!

Embracing imperfection…

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Revelation is a beautiful thing, especially when it is Jesus doing the revealing.

He is setting me free in so many areas of my life, I’m floored by how far He continues to bring me in my journey with Him.

You see, when I first began to follow Christ, almost five years ago, I thought my life would be perfect. God would make all my wrongs right, and everything would fit neatly into a beautiful Christ centred box……how naive and ignorant I was….*shake my head*….

The Lord blew me away with the force by which He shook my world. He detonated it from the very foundations and my life was forever changed. I tried to make sense of the brokenness and the pain and in time God’s word came to life within my circumstances as He began to piece back together the remains of my shattered existence.

With three young children and no  godly male figure to partner with me and help me raise them, I found myself yearning for an on fire for Jesus husband who would love my children and I as Christ loved the church, so together we could show them what a Christ centred marriage looked like. For me, that is what perfection looked like. I had not experienced it for myself, but looking at others and hearing so many awesome testimonies I knew it was possible so patiently, I waited for my turn….

…..five years later and still waiting….but now I no longer feel desperate, in fact I will be as bold as to say this is no longer a yearning of mine…

You see, marriage is not an end goal, perfection is not found in marriage. Perfection can not be found anywhere. Only Jesus is perfect and more and more the Lord is showing me this. Through my life and the lives of others, He is continuously revealing that no situation we will ever find ourselves in will ever be flawless. 

I used to be so guilty of looking at others and believing their lives were better than mine or they had things easier than me, but how would I know? What do I know? Everyone is battling something. No one lives a challenge free life, even if they believe they do and the more I realise this, the more I am able to find peace in my now, despite the difficulties I may be facing…..

Every season has its hardships, nothing will ever be plain sailing. It’s time for us to stop believing that when we reach a certain milestone, tick a personal goal off a bucket list, or meet ‘THE ONE’ that our lives will dramatically improve for the better. The only ONE who will ever truly make a radical difference to our lives is Jesus, The Soul Saver and Death Defeater…Hallelujah!!

I am learning that if I’m not content NOW, how can I expect to be content later….an event will not change who I am on the inside, only Jesus can do that. I need to be teachable, to be open to what His spirit wants to do through me for His glory…changing my relationship status or achieving career success is not going to bring me any kind of long lasting joy if that joy was not present to begin with. Can I please get an AMEN somebody!!

I am so thankful that God never gives up on me, that He reveals more and more of Himself to me as I seek Him. I can honestly say I am not the same person that I was when He met me in a church in South London almost 5 years ago. Broken, lost and although I didn’t yet know it, in desperate need of a Saviour. Jesus Christ of Nazareth who continues to be all I truly need. 

All I ever wanted can be found in Him and as He teaches me, I teach my children. Jesus is not allowing me to wait, He is empowering me NOW! He is equipping me for NOW! RIGHT NOW I am a strong and determined single Mother of three bright and beautiful children and  already, they are further along in their understanding of Him than I was at their age and they are 9, nearly 8 and 5 and a half. Wow Lord, you really do answer prayers in the most profound ways. There really is none like YOU!

“Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more. For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭54:4-6‬ ‭KJV‬‬

In four weeks…

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In four short weeks I’ll turn 38, God willing. 

3-8. 

I’m bewildered. I remember my 7th birthday. That was 31 years ago guys! I’m finding it hard to wrap my head around this getting older thing. I used to look at my children and wish for time to stay still, they were growing too quickly and time was moving too fast, and now, looking at my own life, the same applies to me. Although, I don’t want time to stay still, I just want to stop getting older. I want to be able to use the wisdom of my age to live a life filled with better decision making. Only life doesn’t  work like that…..does it?

If I turn this whole thought process on its head, I’m thankful that the Lord is allowing me to see these advanced years, because many do not. I am blessed and highly favoured of God. He opened my blind eyes and bought me into a deep, life changing, relationship with Him. It came at a cost, but He is walking me through this thing. Every. Single. Day. He has blessed me with three amazing children, my health, my sanity, my strength, a home, a car, a teaching qualification that I’m on the cusp of obtaining….just to clarify, I follow Jesus because of WHO He is, not WHAT He gives, but His  very nature is to bless His children. I may not be given everything I want, but He gives me the things He knows I need for my good and His glory! Praise Him!

Getting older, when you have made mistakes that hugely impact on your life’s path in a challenging way is tough, especially when you feel as though your children are suffering as a result too. I thank God that despite all my doubts, regrets and insecurities He still makes time to show me I am loved, I am blessed and I am His. Thank You Lord.

When you put God first…

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What a difference putting God first makes. As you all know, at the start of my teacher training I was running around like a headless chicken, putting God on the back burner of my life and doing everything in my own strength. Now, not only did that leave me extremely exhausted, admittedly I still am, but it also meant I was failing in areas I thought I would excel in.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year, and the Lord in all his loving kindness and mercy, shook up my world and reminded me that it is Him, that gives and takes away. It is Him, that gives me the power to complete the tasks He lays before me, so if I’m not seeking Him, leaning on Him, feasting on His word, assembling with His saints, then how on earth can I adequately equip myself for what He has in store for my life??? 

*hangs head in shame*

It was a tough lesson to learn, but thank God I’ve learnt it. No more missing church every week, because of my workload, I’m there virtually every Sunday now and my goodness, the messages have been so on time. They have watered my parched soul and given me the spiritual sustenance I need, to get through challenging weeks in this challenging world we live in. The Lord truly knows what we need and when we need it loves. 

God is so very awesome, that He has been able to take what I thought was eating up too much of my time (travelling to and from a church that was too far), relocate me to a church that is closer, embed my children into the fantastic children’s church provided, and still give me all the time I need to complete the tasks required to pass my training. Who but you Lord?! And today I can proudly say He has done what He promised and put me right back on schedule!! I’ve passed two assignments, of my three assignment, teacher training programme. One more to go friends!! 

I’m still exhausted and somewhat anxious about the workload that lies ahead, but I know that with my God beside me and for me nothing, nothing, NOTHING is impossible. Praise Him! Glory! Hallelujah!

“Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.”

Matthew 19:26