It’s been a while friends and as always, this momma has been in over her head…but GOD…
I’ve been stirred up to write this post because I’ve been finding it hard to control my flesh of late. Being a Christian is not easy. At. All. And I’m finding that being in very close proximity to people challenges me immensely. I’m finding that I’m surrounded by non believers and in all honesty, I’m tired of having to be the one who is the bigger person and turns the other cheek. All. Of. The. Time.
In the six years I’ve been saved, turning the other cheek is all I seem to do, I’m sure God sees differently and I know by turning my cheek, God is glorified, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling completely down trodden. What makes it worse is that those who I extend grace to, never seem to acknowledge the grace I’ve extended and I’m always left feeling as though I’ve not done enough. I know I shouldn’t be moved by what I see and I know God is probably working in ways I could hardly even imagine because He is God, but I’m TIRED!!!
Pre salvation, I spoke my mind. A lot. If something or somebody was upsetting me, in the main, I spoke up and either a disagreement of some sort would ensue or I was seen as a bully and a big mouth. Now, I find myself biting my (proverbial) tongue until it bleeds, just so as not to cause disharmony and unease. I run to Christ on these occasions and He replaces my rising discontentment with His peace, but when you find yourself in a cycle of continuous suppression of your displeasure, bitterness begins to rise. When you feel as though your constantly being taken advantage of your spirit begins to feel defeated.
That’s where I am now. I feel like a powerless, two faced Christian and I can’t bear it. There is a close circle of Christian friends and one or two non Christian friends who I vent to when the pressure becomes too much, but even that feels wrong. I find myself repenting after every ill thought vacates my mind through my mouth and enters the atmosphere….
Lord help me with this struggle. Help me to see things as You see them. Give me joy in my heart. Renew my mind Jesus. I need You.