Being a Mother is hard. Being a single Mother is harder. But not necessarily for the reasons I imagined.
You see when I finally called time on my relationship with my children’s father, due to his rejection of God, his reluctance to get married, (despite 3 children and 6 years engaged) and a whole host of other reasons….. I never in my wildest dreams envisioned him jumping into a full blown relationship the next week which would produce a child in months and see the whole landscape of my life changed forever.
I thought our separation would be a short, sharp, shock for both of us, we would realise how much we loved and needed one another, couldn’t live without each other, he’d get saved, we’d get united in a Christ centred marriage, buy a house, raise our children and glorify God through our union and our testimony.
I guess I thought wrong. VERY. WRONG.
The Lord’s ways are indeed higher than mine because here I am 15 months later, dealing with my three children gushing over their now 4 month old baby sister, who they of course love to bits, their Dad’s live in girlfriend who they have grown to be very fond of and their Dad, who, although spiritually blind is very much trying to do the right thing by the children he bore with me……
The thing is, it’s not always easy keeping your emotions in check when you fully expected a situation to turn out a certain way.
And this really wasn’t what I expected or wanted Lord.
Such. A. Mess. And so I find myself continuously having to let go of my children as I share them with their Dad and his new life.
I know my situation is by no means unique, but it’s difficult to fathom that me encountering Jesus, meant the birth of this strange new situation, this is something I’m definitely still trying to come to terms with as it really doesn’t make ANY kind of sense. But then being a follower of the Most High God means there are a lot of things that will happen that will not make sense and this is where our faith, belief and trust muscles need to kick in. BIG TIME.
When past relationships ended I can honestly say I moved on with not so much as a backward glance. Never saw brother man again, never spoke to brother man again, (unless he called me of course) and even then I was curt and to the point, ‘Me and you have nothing no more’. That was the strength of my resolve. I was moving onto better. Or so I thought.
This situation is astoundingly different and it is HARD. I see my ex pretty much constantly, as he frequently wants to see and do things with our children. He is extremely involved in their lives, which of course is great. I hear about what he and his family and his girlfriend and her family are up to, pretty much constantly, which is not so great…. ahh the innocence of children…..sigh.
Knowing that my place in my ex’s life was replaced so speedily with his new love, left me feeling sooo very rejected. Did eight and a half years together and not one, not two, but THREE children really mean so little? I know I was the one who ended it, but man…..Lord help me….pleeease!!
Knowing that my children get to do things as a family with their Dad, their new baby sister and her mother, leaves me feeling so saddened. Huge swathes of memories are being created with no involvement from me. It hurts. I’ve been removed and replaced just like that. It’s a bitter pill to swallow sometimes. Especially as The Lord has kept me single at this time and let me tell you, if I allow it, the enemy can use this to wreak havoc with my joy, but I cast those thoughts down in the mighty name of Jesus.
Don’t get me wrong, I am actually beginning to enjoy this season of singleness. I mean really enjoy it, but there are moments when I think ‘Why Lord? Why?’ And ‘When Lord?’ ‘When?’ And then He will gently remind me that this is what true surrender looks like and I am walking the right and narrow path, so although it may seem that the unbeliever is reaping rewards right now, these are lies. Distractions. I know this. I have lived this, and I guess it saddens me that I wasn’t able to do more to salvage my relationship and that the enemy was able to come in and destroy my family and mislead my children’s father so quickly and easily. I continue to pray for his salvation, because I know The Lord will do a mighty work in him and when that happens, and if it is the Lord’s will we remain apart I will be joyful, knowing that his soul has been saved and his eternal destiny sealed in Jesus’ name.
‘For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.’
(John 3:16-17 KJV)