You may have come to realise, from my last few posts that I’m finding life quite difficult at the moment. I don’t seem to have a safe haven. Obviously in the spirit realm I have Jesus, but in the natural everything seems void of true joy.
What. Is. Wrong. With. Me?
I think it’s because I’m 40 next year and my life looks nothing like I expected it to. I’m drowning in a sea of disappointment. To the left and to the right there are individuals decades younger than me earning fantastic money, living in fantastic houses, driving fantastic cars and then there’s me; an entry level teacher and single mother who spends her time trying to work out if her and her children should spend the night at her parents because it’s closer to her work and her children’s school or journey to a home which really doesn’t feel like home anymore….
…I’m tired, so tired. Tired of looking at others because I know many of them don’t yet know the love of Jesus, so instead of looking, I should be sharing. Sharing His love, so they will know Him, but instead I wallow. I’m overwhelmed, hurt, exasperated…..hurt….hurting…..
help me Lord.
I’m disappointed that I’m going to have to start this post in this way, but bear with me…..
I’m struggling with disillusionment at the moment. It seems for a long time now I’ve been in a season of testing, testing, testing, testing and more testing. Don’t get me wrong, there have been moments of inexplicable joy when I focus on Jesus and all He has done for me, I’ve come so far….but still the day to day is sooo, very, hard.
I love Jesus with all my mind, heart and soul so feeling this way troubles me, but then I’m human. And humans fail. I fail. Daily…
Nothing is easy right now. Nothing. I know life is not meant to be easy. God does not promise an easy life, but being able to share my struggles in this way helps put everything in perspective. Everything feels difficult….My children are challenging, my career is challenging, my home life is challenging…I feel as though I NEVER get a break…..and then I feel so ungrateful for feeling this way…I’m TIRED!
I turn to His word and it pierces the spirit of depression that threatens to overwhelm my soul. I look to The One who calms storms, heals broken hearts and casts out demons and I am reassured that to everything there is a season, even if this difficult season seems never ending. My Saviour tells me that although I am hard pressed on every side I am not crushed because He is with me. I may be perplexed, I may not understand why I am being tested so extensively, but God knows. He has a plan. There is a purpose for my struggle.
Help me to see that I am not alone Lord, help me to stop feeling abandoned and forgotten Lord. Help me to find joy and peace in my portion Jesus.
I’m reaching a point in my life where I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find people to do life with. I’ve been saved for almost 6 years now and I’ve yet to find a close knit network of believers to lean on.
In the workplace there’s several Christian women, two of whom I try to pray with on a weekly basis, but our impossible schedules have often made this impossible…sorry Lord.
I have two other close friends at work, one an old school friend who I’ve known for over 27 years. We reconnected after 16 years, at the school we now both work in. Our friendship has not changed from the days when we were 11 years old…we are always mocking one another and finding the smallest things hilarious. She, like me, was a single mother, but that’s where the similarities end…lol, after a few months of singleness, she met her now husband at the school they both worked in at the time and as well as her two boys, they now have a daughter together. Her story gave me much hope in the earlier days of my singleness, but unlike me, she doesn’t have a deep connection with Jesus. From the discussions we’ve had, she seems to view Him as a crutch for the needy. She doesn’t belittle my faith, but since she is in a good place right now, Jesus isn’t on her agenda…from what I gather…
Then there’s my other friend, the one whose Spanish wedding I’m going to (I’m going with my aforementioned friend too, so all three of us will catch up in Spain at some point)….he is funny and a great listener. He also helps me with ‘man stuff’ like checking the oil in my car and pointing me in the right direction for tyres, he has been a God send, but again he doesn’t really believe. His fiancée is a catholic and I believe he’s converting so as to marry her….
I think the point I’m getting at is that I find it hard to do life with people who don’t understand or believe in the things of God…heck I ended a relationship with my children’s father because he threatened to pull me away from The One who saved my soul. Yet here I am going to another country and spending lots of time with people who are looking forward to the ‘all you can drink bar’ at a wedding reception.
After speaking through my concerns to a fellow Christian, she explained that we are called to be the light in the dark, so maybe God can use me in the midst of a situation I deem unfavourable.
To be honest, I find great comfort in being amongst fellow Christians. I have not long overcome some seriously stressful situations in my life that threatened to take me out and I’m still dealing with the aftermath, so when the enemy comes with his lies, I feel at peace knowing that another believer is there to lay hands on me and encourage me to take every thought captive in the name of Jesus…
Maybe I’m being harsh, and my friends aren’t as wild and worldly as I think….
Dear Lord protect me as I navigate these new and unfamiliar waters. You know me, your daughter, You know my hearts desire, You know every need before I even ask. Help me to put all my hope and in trust in You, help me to feel your presence when I am feeling isolated and abandoned. Help me to be the light that You have called me to be for my good and Your glory. Help me to be bold and of good courage. Thank You Father!
“Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”
Joshua 1:9 KJV
Guys! 2018 is hectic!! I really don’t know whether I’m coming or going half the time.
My career in teaching is seriously on; Theeee. Next. Level in terms of all the planning, assessing, resourcing, coaching, counselling….(and the list goes on), I am called to do…..I know the Lord must be preparing me for something out of this world, but W.O.W….it’s super tough on this l’il ole single Mum…..
I made the difficult decision to move my son to the school I work at, so I could streamline my days and use time more efficiently. This means my two eldest now walk to and from school on their own *insert loud wailing here.* My babies are growing up and I’m in complete shock and awe at the process….
Anyway back to my frenetic year! My sister is getting married in July, in the same month our brother’s first baby is due, then I have a friend’s wedding in Spain to attend in June, not to mention my second daughter’s birthday and my birthday in May, then my son’s birthday in June, add to that numerous school trips; my eldest daughter is pleading to go to Wales for 5 days in September with the school *insert more hysterical wailing here,* other social events are cropping up at every turn and on and on and and on and on…..I know I’m sounding horribly ungrateful, but it’s hard navigating all of this as a lone parent. My head hurts trying to sort finances, logistics, outfits, praying protection and wisdom over my ever growing children….Lord I know you equip the called, but the journey is still very tough.
In spite of all of this, I am seeking to dwell in His peace. I run to my hiding place in Him. All I have is His word. He tells me to be still and know that He is GOD. He leads me by the still waters. He restores my soul. In Him I do not and will not lack any good thing. Thank You for your promises Lord! You never fail and You never change! Glory!!
“Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalms 46:10 KJV