Something rather unexpected happened last night. I got a call from my ex ex. We split 11 years ago and it was not nice. He did a lot of things that left deep scars. I was so young and so naive. This is the ex who was the father of the son I lost 20 weeks into my pregnancy. This is also the ex I found out was cheating on me the day after the funeral of our baby boy. I was devastated. But I knew that God had allowed all of this to happen to me for a reason, even though I was far from Him at that time.
So the ex ex called and it was so funny because 20 minutes before he rang my two youngest children were playing together in their bedroom, the nicest they have ever played for a long time may I add, and they kept on mentioning this name over and over again. This name happens to be the name of my ex and I couldn’t understand why, seemingly out of the blue this name kept being repeated in their role play, then lo and behold a short while later I received the call.
I was surprised. He had tried to call me a few times over the years whilst I was in a relationship with the father of my children, but my ‘babies daddy’ (for want of a better word) always took the phone from me, when he realised who it was and told him in no uncertain terms to stop calling me. On this occasion there was no longer someone around to stop him and my cold dislike of him, had somewhat thawed over the years, and so we talked. For almost TWO HOURS…..
We talked a lot about the past and he apologised more than once for the way he treated me. I told him I forgave him. I shared with him that I was born again and had a new life in Christ. I’m not sure how he took it but he seemed pleased that I had my faith to draw strength from. He told me his Mother passed away from cancer two years ago. That was sad news to hear. She was a kind and generous woman who supported her son tremendously.
I still couldn’t work out why he had got in touch. I serve a God of clarity and order and although the apology was of course good to hear I felt there had to be more to this. Then he told me he’d like to visit our son’s grave and could I give him the address and a short while after that he said he was a Muslim. Bingo! Maybe that is why The Lord had allowed him to get in touch, so I could intercede for him. This is the only reason that made sense to me.
After 11 years he shared his thoughts and feelings on why what happened to us happened. He talked about ‘our son’ and visiting his grave together. I am unsure of this as I do not think it necessary to open old wounds. But I do often feel sadness about the way the death of our son was overshadowed by the crippling hurt of betrayal.
It got me thinking about my children’s father. We have three alive and beautiful children together, yet we do all we can to pretend the other does not exist. Well I can’t speak for him, but that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s been a coping mechanism for me. What I’m trying to say, is that 11 years later my ex ex talks about our deceased son and the bond he created and continues to create between us. If this is true, how much more of a bond do my children’s father and I have?
It made me realise that although my babies daddy *cringe* has done everything in his power to move away from me as far as possible in terms of his new relationship, his new child, his new set of circumstances, life always has a way of drawing us back to unfinished business. No matter how hard we try to avoid it.
In every relationship breakdown I have experienced, the ex has always seemed to go off into the sunset in search of greener pastures.
Admittedly, I have always been the one to do the ending, but it’s nearly always been because I have felt the other person has forced my hand. Their actions proved to me they had pretty much called it quits they just didn’t seem to have the guts to follow through with words, so that job was left to me. Then I’d be held solely responsible for the way things now were because it was me that had done all the ending. Go figure.
So far two of my thee ex’s have come back years later apologising for their treatment of me and acknowledging their part in the relationship breakdown. I know full and well I am a completely imperfect, broken and wretched human being in need of a saviour and I have made this sentiment known to my children’s father more times than I care to count (I don’t anymore, because I’ve said and done all I can), yet still he refuses to fully acknowledge the part he has played in our current situation.
It may well take ten, even twenty years for that revelation to come, but I am certain that my God who governs all of heaven and earth will surely bring that revelation to pass. In His way and His perfect timing.