Hello again friends. Welcome to the second instalment of my post entitled ‘Ambition’. If you missed the first post you can catch up here.
Here we go then…
So I got really sick. My children had been unwell with various bugs over the previous weeks and I had done really well at dodging most of the nasties, then one day in early September I went to work and I just felt completely drained. My bones felt shivery and I wasn’t myself at all. I felt rotten.
Little did I know this day would be the last day I would spend in the Christian organisation I truly enjoyed working for. This job I thought was heaven sent, this job I thought would see me through many, many, many years to come, this job where I thought my children would carry out their work experience seemed to removed from my life as quickly as it had been placed into it. I guess this is why as Christians we are told to hold onto everything we are given with loose hands. Our hope should only ever be in Christ and not the gifts that He gives us.
And so, here I was, really sick with what initially seemed to be a bad case of flu. My body ached all over, my head was pounding, I couldn’t eat or drink. It was terrible. I thought a few days in bed and Momma’s home made soups would rejuvenate me, but I just seemed to get worse. The sun was shining and I was dressed in winter coats and still shivering. Then I started to get really chesty and short of breath and my heart was racing. In the past heart palpitations always meant my thyroid levels were high. I went to the emergency doctor who said I had an infection on my lungs and prescribed me antibiotics. A week later and I still was no better, the antibiotics had not worked. I was prescribed stronger antibiotics by my GP, an inhaler for my shortness of breath and wheeziness and was signed off from work for a further two weeks.
My heart continued to race on a nightly basis, so much so that it stopped me from sleeping as it literally pounded in my chest. I thought I would die, it was that bad. I was delirious and at my wits end. The Doctors said it was because my body was fighting an infection, but I just DID NOT feel right. I was losing a ton of weight, I was anxious, confused and living in fear of what could be wrong with me. I had a feeling that maybe the hyperthyroidism had returned with a vengeance, because I really couldn’t understand what was going on. I had been on medication for months to bring down my thyroid levels, and slowly the meds had been reduced to the minimum dosage, because my thyroid function was almost back to normal. It seemed that the flu virus I’d contracted had triggered my system to go back into overdrive and it was truly awful. There were moments I truly thought the end was nigh. My heart rate was out of control, my weight loss was going the same way. I had a big lump in my throat where my thyroid gland had swollen so much. The enemy had a field day and had me believing I had cancer. I was in utter turmoil. Needless to say I had to leave my job. Fear and anxiety had truly taken ahold of me. I could no longer travel on the tube as I was scared something would happen to me and no one would know what to do. The closed in nature of the underground did not help either. Even driving any kind of distance, took me having to give myself a pep talk and I pleaded with The Lord to strengthen and sustain me. For the first time in my life I felt my time was up and it was completely out of my control. I feared for my children’s future if I was no longer around. I was a mess.
Every night I slept with my lamp on, with my bible across my chest and worship music playing in the background and I would repeat scripture over and over. These are the only things that kept me sane. Many nights my Mum and Dad stayed up all night with me, trying to calm my fragile nerves.
Looking back I think I’d internalised so many years of hurt and disappointment, that my body just said enough was enough. I could no longer operate on auto-pilot. I had to address every aspect of what had happened to me and take back my life.
Whilst off sick from work recuperating, my little sister suggested I should probably resign from my demanding job and find part time work closer to home. I knew she was right but my pride was hurt. If I left my job and found one closer to home that would mean my income would drop significantly. How could I support my family on a meagre salary. It seemed impossible. BUT GOD!!
I did end up resigning from my dream job at the Christian organisation and I chose to fully put my trust in Jesus. He knew how broken and how weary I was. He knew that my children needed a strong mother who was there for them in more ways than just financially.
As my body began to get stronger and my thyroid levels were bought back under control, I began to feel more like me again. I was still battling anxiety and feelings of inadequacy, but I knew I had to get back into work. The ambition in my heart would not allow my circumstances to defeat me.
And so I took little sister’s advice and applied for admin vacancies in schools. As a Mother a school timetable would work perfectly for my little family, I would get term times off with them and work short hours it seemed like a win win. As soon as I began my search I felt the Lord’s hand was in it. There were quite a few vacancies available at schools close to my home. It was only later on that I discovered that such positions especially those of the non-teaching variety do not come along very often, so for me to come across as many as I did at the time that I did, confirms that He was indeed opening doors for me.
I saw one particular job advert which grabbed my attention and I set about applying, but immediately I was discouraged when the question of sickness and sick leave arose. They wanted to know how many days sick the applicant had taken in the last two years. I had taken 45 days off sick in the past six months due to my thyroid relapse. Too worried that this would go against me I abandoned the application. Shake my head.
A week or so later another position came up in the school I used to go to as a child….AND…it was only a five minute walk from my home. There was no way I could not apply, 45 days sick leave or not. I had to cast down all negative thoughts in the name of Jesus because His word says. If GOD be for us who can be against us.
And so I applied for the position, declared my sick days and the reason why and a few days later I received an email asking me to come in for an interview! Hallelujah! When Jesus says YES, NOBODY can say NO. No matter what, when, who, why or where!! Praise Him!!
The interview went brilliantly, they knew me from when my nephew attended the year before and my siblings and I many, many moons ago…to top it all off the assistant head who interviewed me turned out to be the husband of my best friend who I attended senior school with over 20 years ago. Look at how God works!!!!
Despite the interviewers really liking me, I didn’t get the position I was interviewed for, but on the wise counsel of my precious brother in Christ, I offered to do voluntary work as a way of keeping in contact (they were blown away by the suggestion), however in no time at all they were calling me to start work to cover one of the administrators who had been taken sick. This lady I would be covering happened to be the mother of one of the boys who was in my class from the age of six. I used to attend his birthday parties and I loved his Mum. I am praying for her speedy recovery and I am blown away by the intricacy of God.
If that wasn’t enough I have been reunited with my childhood best friend, who I mentioned before is the wife of the assistant head teacher who interviewed me. We all work at the same school and she teaches the nursery children. It is like we have never been apart. Like me, she has three children and outside of work we talk and talk and laugh and laugh and reminisce about when we were 11,12 and 13.
I know The Lord allowed all of these things to happen for a reason. My friend, like me split up with the father of her first two children, but went on to find love again, get married and have another baby. Although she is not a Christian she has been and is being a great encouragement to me as I hope I am being to her.
She has given me advice on so many things and has also given me the courage to explore setting up a new home for my children and I. It has always seemed somewhat impossible, especially now because of my reduced income and so many other factors, but again I sense The Lord is about to change the tides for me. As my strength and my health continue to grow he is causing my ambitious juices to rise up again and I recently applied for a Job in Marketing with a great salary, but not close to home.
Again, I am somewhat nervous, what if I have a relapse in my health again? What if I can not cope? My children need me close by? But on the flip side, although I love my school job, the holidays, the shortened hours and the close proximity to home; my income doesn’t allow me to stand as independently as I’d like to. I’m a single mother and I want to be able to provide fully for my children. I want to provide us with a home we can call our own, don’t get me wrong my Mother and Father have done nothing but make us feel at home, because it is our home. It is where I grew up. But I want to show my children that I can take care of them in every way because I have Jesus and He is and always will be our number one provider. I don’t want to have to wait for a knight in shining armour to rescue me, although it would be nice lol.
The point I am making as I pour out my soul, is that The Lord has brought me to this point for a reason and I want to flourish and blossom in this place not stagnate and become frustrated.
Waiting on The Lord can be so difficult at times and I do wonder if it is pride rather than ambition that is fuelling my desire to achieve all these things. And then He whispers to my spirit that it is indeed Him that is calling me higher.
Remain in comfort or step out in faith?
Only time will tell.
But what I do know is that as I wait on Him, I shall trust in Him and the doors He opens I will walk through and He will guide me.
And If I veer off track He will lead me in the way I should go and where my children and I come to only time will tell. But one thing which is for certain GOOD will always come because He is God and that is what He promises.