When Jesus says it’s time…

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God never ceases to blow my whole mind….I’m serious. His ways are unfathomable and I remain in complete awe of Him.

For the past few weeks and months I’ve been feeling unsettled about a whole host of things. If you have read my last few blog posts, you’ll see I’ve been battling hard to find joy in the midst of my struggles…BUT GOD!!

Lately, I’ve been stirred up to meet my exes partner. Now, as all who are familiar with my blog and my story will know, my ex, who also happens to be the father of my three children, moved on quite quickly after we split almost 5 years ago. He and his girlfriend went on to have a daughter who is nearly 4 and recently welcomed another daughter a few months ago. My children see their Dad several times a week and sleep over most weekends. This of course means they have been around my exes partner a lot. A. Whole. Lot. What was starting to irk me was that in 5 years I’d never properly met her or had a conversation with her and yet here she is playing a significant part in raising/looking after my children on a weekly basis. I was starting to get quite angry about it. Not at her, but the situation and my lack of power to do anything about it…

Admittedly I don’t think I was ready to meet her, because there was still a lot I was dealing with inside myself. I believe God has been doing a mighty work inside my heart to heal me, strengthen me and help me to realise that in Him, I am more than enough and so yesterday, when out of the blue the Lord opened the door for me to meet this lady, I walked right through it. And PRAISE GOD it was fine.

I had gone to collect my children from their Dad’s as I often do, but I always wait in the car and he brings them down. Yesterday was different. Despite telling my ex I’d be there at 7:30pm, when I arrived he wasn’t picking up his phone or responding to my text message so for the first time, in 5 years, I got out of my car and walked to their front door. He’d just got out of the bath and my son was about to get out. He said they’d be 5 minutes and closed the door on me. My eldest opened it again. I could see Leah (not her real name) sitting in the chair with her newborn baby and I called out ‘Hello’, she replied and came to the front door with the baby who was fast asleep in her arms and looks exactly like my ex. I told her so and she agreed. She invited me in and told me to excuse the mess I told her, ‘Pleeeease! I have three. I know the struggle.’ Her friend was sitting down in the living room too. It was just the slightest bit awkward but not horrible by any means. She seems to be a really nice woman and when I asked if my children are well behaved she said yes, and when I asked if she’s sure, she assured me that she’s been around naughty children and mine aren’t…phew…I must be doing something right. Thank You Jesus.

I met their eldest daughter the day before when my ex bought her along to pick our son up from school. She is a complete cutie. I had a brief conversation with her and my heart has warmed to her immediately, same with Leah. There is no anger or animosity, no jealousy or ill will. Just peace and love. That’s Jesus. I’m excited about what the future holds. I’d like to have more opportunities to speak with Leah and for the children to spend more time together they all share the same father after all.

Like I said friends, I’m in awe at the work of God. A situation which caused me one of the greatest hurts in my life is now beginning to bear the fruit of joy, peace and love.

Lord you knew how much I wanted and needed this meeting to happen and only you could have orchestrated this in such a timely and peaceable manner. There is still a long way to go, but I trust You to unfold the path in which I should follow. I’m excited by You Lord. Your way truly is perfection.

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The problem with comparison…

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You may have come to realise, from my last few posts that I’m finding life quite difficult at the moment. I don’t seem to have a safe haven. Obviously in the spirit realm I have Jesus, but in the natural everything seems void of true joy.

What. Is. Wrong. With. Me?

I think it’s because I’m 40 next year and my life looks nothing like I expected it to. I’m drowning in a sea of disappointment. To the left and to the right there are individuals decades younger than me earning fantastic money, living in fantastic houses, driving fantastic cars and then there’s me; an entry level teacher and single mother who spends her time trying to work out if her and her children should spend the night at her parents because it’s closer to her work and her children’s school or journey to a home which really doesn’t feel like home anymore….

…I’m tired, so tired. Tired of looking at others because I know many of them don’t yet know the love of Jesus, so instead of looking, I should be sharing. Sharing His love, so they will know Him, but instead I wallow. I’m overwhelmed, hurt, exasperated…..hurt….hurting…..

help me Lord.

Learning how not to faint…

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I’m disappointed that I’m going to have to start this post in this way, but bear with me…..

I’m struggling with disillusionment at the moment. It seems for a long time now I’ve been in a season of testing, testing, testing, testing and more testing. Don’t get me wrong, there have been moments of inexplicable joy when I focus on Jesus and all He has done for me, I’ve come so far….but still the day to day is sooo, very, hard.

I love Jesus with all my mind, heart and soul so feeling this way troubles me, but then I’m human. And humans fail. I fail. Daily…

Nothing is easy right now. Nothing. I know life is not meant to be easy. God does not promise an easy life, but being able to share my struggles in this way helps put everything in perspective. Everything feels difficult….My children are challenging, my career is challenging, my home life is challenging…I feel as though I NEVER get a break…..and then I feel so ungrateful for feeling this way…I’m TIRED!

BUT GOD!!

I turn to His word and it pierces the spirit of depression that threatens to overwhelm my soul. I look to The One who calms storms, heals broken hearts and casts out demons and I am reassured that to everything there is a season, even if this difficult season seems never ending. My Saviour tells me that although I am hard pressed on every side I am not crushed because He is with me. I may be perplexed, I may not understand why I am being tested so extensively, but God knows. He has a plan. There is a purpose for my struggle.

Help me to see that I am not alone Lord, help me to stop feeling abandoned and forgotten Lord. Help me to find joy and peace in my portion Jesus.

When friends don’t believe….

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I’m reaching a point in my life where I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find people to do life with. I’ve been saved for almost 6 years now and I’ve yet to find a close knit network of believers to lean on.

In the workplace there’s several Christian women, two of whom I try to pray with on a weekly basis, but our impossible schedules have often made this impossible…sorry Lord.

I have two other close friends at work, one an old school friend who I’ve known for over 27 years. We reconnected after 16 years, at the school we now both work in. Our friendship has not changed from the days when we were 11 years old…we are always mocking one another and finding the smallest things hilarious. She, like me, was a single mother, but that’s where the similarities end…lol, after a few months of singleness, she met her now husband at the school they both worked in at the time and as well as her two boys, they now have a daughter together. Her story gave me much hope in the earlier days of my singleness, but unlike me, she doesn’t have a deep connection with Jesus. From the discussions we’ve had, she seems to view Him as a crutch for the needy. She doesn’t belittle my faith, but since she is in a good place right now, Jesus isn’t on her agenda…from what I gather…

Then there’s my other friend, the one whose Spanish wedding I’m going to (I’m going with my aforementioned friend too, so all three of us will catch up in Spain at some point)….he is funny and a great listener. He also helps me with ‘man stuff’ like checking the oil in my car and pointing me in the right direction for tyres, he has been a God send, but again he doesn’t really believe. His fiancée is a catholic and I believe he’s converting so as to marry her….

I think the point I’m getting at is that I find it hard to do life with people who don’t understand or believe in the things of God…heck I ended a relationship with my children’s father because he threatened to pull me away from The One who saved my soul. Yet here I am going to another country and spending lots of time with people who are looking forward to the ‘all you can drink bar’ at a wedding reception.

After speaking through my concerns to a fellow Christian, she explained that we are called to be the light in the dark, so maybe God can use me in the midst of a situation I deem unfavourable.

To be honest, I find great comfort in being amongst fellow Christians. I have not long overcome some seriously stressful situations in my life that threatened to take me out and I’m still dealing with the aftermath, so when the enemy comes with his lies, I feel at peace knowing that another believer is there to lay hands on me and encourage me to take every thought captive in the name of Jesus…

Maybe I’m being harsh, and my friends aren’t as wild and worldly as I think….

Dear Lord protect me as I navigate these new and unfamiliar waters. You know me, your daughter, You know my hearts desire, You know every need before I even ask. Help me to put all my hope and in trust in You, help me to feel your presence when I am feeling isolated and abandoned. Help me to be the light that You have called me to be for my good and Your glory. Help me to be bold and of good courage. Thank You Father!

“Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”

Joshua 1:9 KJV

Busyness

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Guys! 2018 is hectic!! I really don’t know whether I’m coming or going half the time.

My career in teaching is seriously on; Theeee. Next. Level in terms of all the planning, assessing, resourcing, coaching, counselling….(and the list goes on), I am called to do…..I know the Lord must be preparing me for something out of this world, but W.O.W….it’s super tough on this l’il ole single Mum…..

I made the difficult decision to move my son to the school I work at, so I could streamline my days and use time more efficiently. This means my two eldest now walk to and from school on their own *insert loud wailing here.* My babies are growing up and I’m in complete shock and awe at the process….

Anyway back to my frenetic year! My sister is getting married in July, in the same month our brother’s first baby is due, then I have a friend’s wedding in Spain to attend in June, not to mention my second daughter’s birthday and my birthday in May, then my son’s birthday in June, add to that numerous school trips; my eldest daughter is pleading to go to Wales for 5 days in September with the school *insert more hysterical wailing here,* other social events are cropping up at every turn and on and on and and on and on…..I know I’m sounding horribly ungrateful, but it’s hard navigating all of this as a lone parent. My head hurts trying to sort finances, logistics, outfits, praying protection and wisdom over my ever growing children….Lord I know you equip the called, but the journey is still very tough.

In spite of all of this, I am seeking to dwell in His peace. I run to my hiding place in Him. All I have is His word. He tells me to be still and know that He is GOD. He leads me by the still waters. He restores my soul. In Him I do not and will not lack any good thing. Thank You for your promises Lord! You never fail and You never change! Glory!!

“Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46:10‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Weary

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I almost have no words to describe what I’m going through right now. Still feeling like I’m in limbo, still trudging on day to day….

I’m exhausted. Completely and utterly spent. Juggling so many balls, walking into new territory. Feeling nervous and so alone….

I know I’m strong, but I’m tired of doing this alone.

Lord, in the name of your precious son Jesus, please send help soon….

Waiting….

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Waiting is hard. Even harder when you no longer quite know what it is you’re waiting for or if it will ever come.

I’m in a season where I’m quite uncomfortable, but I know what I want will not take my discomfort away, if anything it’ll just shift to another area of my life. *SIGH*

I’m trying really hard not to throw myself a pity party but I’m growing increasingly frustrated….

And then.…. He speaks to me and says;

‘Where is your faith? Have I not already moved mountains for you? Do not be dismayed, the mountains that you perceive, are my way of building your character in preparation for the places I am about to take you.’

I am floored and the pity party has to end as I rejoice once again in the one whom my soul loves.

Thank You for Your endless kindness and patience towards me Lord. Thank You for speaking to my weary soul and renewing my spirit as I wait in You. You are awesome God. There is none in all of heaven and earth like You.

“The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.”

‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:25‬ ‭

Expectant…

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Friends I’m expectant. I am filled with much hope for the future. Jesus has done and continues to do such a powerful work in my life that I am convinced He has anointed me with the spiritual eyes to see what He sees. Hallelujah!!

In the natural, my situation appears unfair, overwhelming, challenging, BUT GOD!! He has given me the wisdom to look beyond my circumstances…don’t get me wrong there are still moments when I grumble and get impatient, but more and more I’m taking my complaints to Jesus. Only He can equip me with the strength and insight to seek peace when my flesh wants to rise up in absolute irritation. Only He can rationalise my irrational, ever changing emotions. Only He can shift the hearts and minds of the hard hearted and so I turn to Him. My one and only true Counsellor, Saviour and Friend.

I’m expectant because after nearly 6 years of singleness, I believe the Lord has transformed the  condition of my broken and battered heart. There is still more work to be done but I am not the woman I used to be. Praises!!!

I am expectant because His word says it is not good for man to be alone. I’ve spent most of my thirties alone and although I know Jesus is more than enough for me, I am convinced He is preparing one of His faithful sons to come and find me. I am convinced He has a plan to draw others to Himself through our testimony. 

Just today, I read a post on a blog which confirmed exactly what the Lord had already spoke to my heart.

I am expectant. 

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:26

What God has taught me in 2017

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Sorry to begin this post with a cliché, but this year has flooooown by….. 

As I get older the years seem to merge into a blur, but praise be to King Jesus who continues to mould me into His image for His name’s sake. He has taught me so much this year…

1. Hard work, although painful and challenging pays off. 2017 was the year I completed my teacher training and became a qualified teacher. It has not been an easy road and even as I navigate through the early stages of my teaching career I am still often struck at how intense it is and how much is expected of teachers. BUT GOD! Through Him and with Him by my side I am able to take one day at a time because His mercies really are new every morning.

2. I’m way stronger and braver than I think I am. I took my three children to Barbados. On my own. Who but GOD? Enough said.

3. Other people are not always the problem. Most of the time it’s me and the way I’m viewing an issue. Again this is another very hard lesson, but this is about spiritual growth. I was finding I was getting irritated by other people’s actions and attitudes and it was really robbing me of my peace. Then God said, I am no better than those who are annoying me, in fact I am worse because I’m supposed to have Christ within me and allow His spirit to work through me so I am able to stay focused on Him in my times of intense irritation towards others. I should be praying for those people who irk me to be touched by a revelation of God or ask God to reveal the lesson He is trying to teach me. I should be praying for God to work on my character so He can use me to be a light to those He has placed in my sphere of influence…..
…..which follows nicely onto my next learned lesson….

4. I am always being watched. Especially by my children. Do my actions glorify Christ?

5. I always want to blend into the background and go unnoticed, when God has placed gifts and talents within me that must be shared. Being accepted into my church worship team has provided a first step in this direction and I’m certain in 2018 God is going to provide me with many more opportunities to make His name great.
Thank You Jesus!