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Five years.

That’s how long I’ve been single. I didn’t like it at first. It made me feel unattractive, unwanted, unloved. Since the age of 18 my worth had been wrapped up in my relationship status, yet I still didn’t know who I truly was.

For years I stumbled from one situation to another, papering over deep chasms of worthlessness with counterfeit love. How could I expect to receive the love God intended for me when I did not know The One who created it?

My singleness was made all the more crushing this time around because three precious children were now having to live through the consequences of my past ignorance….

BUT GOD…..

Despite the weeks, months and years filled with pain, regret and guilt I can now see how the Lord uses our deepest hurt to produce our greatest healing. I’m so glad He has kept me deeply hidden within Him. For five whole years there has been no man in my life, not a hint. No dates, (well there were three, two of which were with the same person) but nothing of any meaning. Three dates in five whole years? It’s not even worth mentioning, but you know I like to be transparent round here…lol

There have been times I’ve been desperate for the companionship and camaraderie of a relationship. The shared jokes, shared secrets, shared lives, but then God lovingly reminded me that I was not ready. There was much work to be done. I needed to be made whole from the inside out. For my children’s sake as well as my own. I was by no means ready. My children needed their mother and I needed them and together we needed and forever will need Jesus. THE ONE who makes everything perfect in its time. Looking back over the years, I can clearly see that I was definitely not the person God required me to be; that is…..UNTIL NOW!! Don’t get me wrong, there is still work to do, there will always be work to do, but I’m not the person I once was. That woman wasn’t ready at all. But this one is….

Yes you heard me. I truly believe I am prepared for what God now has in store for me. Years ago I thought I had it somewhat together, but God knew. He always knows. I didn’t want to admit it, but deep, deep, waaaayy deep down I was still hoping to be reconciled with my children’s father. I hated myself for it, but my motives for wanting to be in a relationship was to make my ex jealous, shake him up and make him realise he couldn’t bear to see me or his children with someone else. There I said it. I’m not proud of it, but that’s what a hurting heart does. Thank God for His protection and healing, because that’s not my heart condition anymore. Hallelujah!!!

The Lord can rest assured that the man of God He has prepared for me will not be used as a pawn. I have been set free from my past and all the hurt that taunted and broke me. Jehovah Rapha in all of His glorious perfection, has yet again demonstrated that His way is and always will be PERFECT. Nothing is impossible with Him. Not. One. Thing. All Glory to His name.

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