It’s a strange season I seem to be in. There are lots of opportunities coming my way, lots of decisions to make and things to change and improve, however I feel as though I’m lacking the drive and motivation to get it all done. I’m running out of steam.
Just over a month ago, it was my eldest daughter’s birthday actually, I received the fantastic news that I was successful at my audition to join my church’s worship team. My church is big and my children and I have been attending for nearly a year, but have found it difficult to make connections due to the size of the congregation. Signing up for different ministries and attending church events has helped me to make friends and feel part of a church family. I’ve still a way to go, but I’m confident God will set up the right connections at the right time…..anyway back to the exciting news about being part of the worship team. The team is pretty big, over 70 people, so there’s a rota and when you get selected to sing on a particular Sunday, you have to attend a two and a half hour rehearsal on the previous Wednesday evening. So far so good and I’ve met some great people so far.
With it being the Christmas season, there were a flurry of services the worship team were expected to be a part of, the schedule was quite intense, with those taking part expected to be at church at 8am on Sunday, to rehearse before the 9:30am and then 11:30am services. This is where I began to struggle. My children are not morning people, I struggle to get them up for school and so when I realised the early start for church I began to get anxious. Earlier in the month my daughters and I had successfully executed the routine and they actually loved being at church early and being part of two children’s church services, however getting them up was still painful.
Fast forward two weeks later and this time I would have all three children to contend with *yikes.* I warned them they had to get to bed early the night before, but since it’s the holidays and they’re kind of out of their usual bedtime routines, that fell on deaf ears and quite frankly, I’m tired of continuously nagging my children to do things. Not to mention, hair needed doing, the girls and my own, clothes needed sorting, breakfast needed preparing, this all needed to happen before leaving the house at 7:30am. I admitted defeat, I couldn’t do it. As its Christmas Eve, my children are a part of the 5pm evening nativity service, that would mean all day out of the house and I had no idea on what I was going to do to fill the time between the morning and evening services, plus I have to drop them at their Dad’s this evening after church because they are spending Christmas with him and his family this year *sob*……
In all honesty I’m beginning to feel like a huge failure…here I have these opportunities I’ve been praying for and yet my hands feel tied. I am weary.
He spoke to my troubled spirit late last night and told me to use wisdom. Expecting my children to attend three church services, when I was feeling so overwhelmed and disorganised was unnecessary. The worship team would do just fine without me, even though I want to make an impact, my time will come. For now I have to focus on organising that which is within my grasp. So here I am this morning, sharing my thoughts in this post and after giving my children a big cooked breakfast, something I haven’t been able to achieve in months, I’m going to finish wrapping the last of the Christmas presents and have a massive tidy up. This evening I will take my children to church to perform in their nativity, then I will drop them off at their Dad’s. On Christmas Day, I will go to church, lift up the mighty name of Jesus and praise Him for all He has done, is doing and continues to do for my family and I. Hallelujah!
Sometimes in life, we want to do it all at the expense of our sanity and peace. I thank God for showing me that it’s OK to say no. It’s OK to be still. Thank You Jesus for being my defender and my peace. Thank You for continuously showing me the beauty that can be found in brokenness. Thank You for giving me a story to tell. Glory to Your name.
“The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.”